Everyone, Stop Wearing Your Masks!

Satire

The other day Aubrey Huff, a former professional baseball player who moonlights as a constitutional law scholar, made this groundbreaking tweet:

Before, I really believed in how important masks were. I thought wearing masks was critical to stopping the pandemic currently ravaging the earth in every way imaginable.

But as I read his tweet, suddenly, I saw the light! He’s totally right! It is unconstitutional to enforce!

At first, I thought, “but wait… even if it’s not a law, couldn’t I just choose to wear a mask anyway to protect myself and those I love?”

But then I realized no, I can’t. It’s not enough to just voluntarily choose to do the right thing. That would be like giving in, and no freedom-loving American gives in.

Yeah, I know people say that if we all chose to wear our masks that they wouldn’t “have to make laws” about wearing them, but I see through their ruse. If we all choose to wear masks, they’ll just get what they want! All my freedom will be taken away without a single law taking away my freedom being passed!

I know now. I have to stop wearing my mask— and risk the lives of millions of people in the process — to defend my freedom.

Yes, I know I am contributing to the pandemic’s spread by making this decision. Not only am I more likely to get COVID myself, but my friends and family members are more likely to get COVID as well, as well as anyone else with whom I’m sharing a confined space, such as in corner stores and gas stations. I also know that if everyone else stops wearing masks as well, an additional 500,000 to 1,000,000 people will die by the end of the pandemic. But that’s the price of freedom. (Is it really freedom if people didn’t die for it?)

This kind of violation of our freedoms is exactly what the founding fathers were trying to protect against. They wrote the constitution to protect our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness against dictatorial regimes who do tyrannical things like encourage public health practices to prevent the spread of a deadly pandemic. Completely disgusting. If we respect the founding fathers at all, we must choose to leave our masks at home and allow this pandemic to spread unfettered.

I know that the government also legally requires us to wear clothes everywhere we go. I’m not allowed to wander around in public as naked as the day I was born. Most businesses require you to wear a shirt and shoes when you go inside. But that’s okay, because there’s a really good reason we’re not allowed to walk around naked everywhere — it’s indecent. Think of the children. We can’t allow them to be exposed to naked people everywhere. What will that do to their young minds?

It’s not indecent, however, to choose to expose ourselves and others to the worst pandemic since the Spanish Flu. It’s not indecent to be directly involved in spreading a pandemic that will kill tens of thousands of Americans over the next six months. You know why? Because I’m just defending my freedom. The orphaned children will understand.

This is my call to you, fellow patriots, loyal Americans. Leave your mask at home. Let those sick people fend for themselves. That’s what true freedom means.

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