How to Make Your Partner Feel Heard During Arguments

First, verify you understand what they’re saying

Before moving any further with an argument, verify that you fully understand what your partner is trying to say. Ask questions about what they’re saying to make sure you understand. Avoid statements like:

• “So you think X!”
• “You wouldn’t say this if you didn’t think X!”

Instead, ask questions like:

• “Are you saying X?”
• “It sounds like you are saying X. Is this correct?”

Why This Works
When you make statements like “So you think X!”, you are assuming you know what your partner is thinking. When you are assuming what your partner thinks, you are not listening to them.

When you ask questions, however, like “Are you saying X?”, you are not only listening to them, you are actively inviting them to share with you. Nothing makes your partner feel heard more than actively inviting them to share what they think.

Avoid vague adjectives

While you’re formulating your response, stay away from adjectives that can sound judgmental, like “stupid,” “bitchy,” so on and so forth. Avoid statements like:

• “That’s stupid.”
• “That’s naive.”
• “That’s annoying.”

Instead, make statements like:

• “That doesn’t seem like a very good idea.”
• “That doesn’t seem like a mature perspective.”
• “I find that distracting.”

Why This Works
It’s human nature for our feelings to be hurt when we feel insulted. Statements like “that’s stupid,” “that’s annoying,” and other statements of that kind will more often than not make your partner feel insulted, because, guess what? They’re kind of insulting.

More than that, they betray a lack of understanding. To call something “stupid” is a very unspecific complaint. What about it is stupid?

To fix this, ask yourself why you think what you think. If you think something your partner said is stupid, ask yourself why you think it’s stupid. Do you think it’s a plan doomed to fail? Or do you think what they said betrays a lack of education? You can’t solve the problem between you two if you don’t even know what the problem is.

Use qualifying statements

When you make a statement, acknowledge that this is merely what the truth appears to be to you. Begin your sentences with phrases like “I think…” “It appears to me…” and “I doubt that…” to communicate that you recognize this is only your perspective, not a god-given truth. Avoid statements like:

• “That doesn’t make any sense.”
• “We shouldn’t do that.”
• “There’s no reason for you to feel that way.”

Instead, make statements like:

• “That doesn’t make any sense to me.”
• “I don’t think we should do that.”
• “I don’t see any reason for you to feel that way.”

Why This Works
If you’re making a statement like “We shouldn’t do that,” chances are you feel sure of what you’re saying. But no matter how sure you are, there still exists the chance that you are wrong.

Using qualifying statements communicates to your partner that you accept that you may be wrong no matter how sure you are. It demonstrates that you’re willing to be wrong and that you’re willing to give your partner a chance to convince you otherwise.

Not using qualifying statements, on the other hand, communicates to your partner that you are not willing to entertain the possibility that you’re wrong. It communicates arrogance. It tells your partner you are so convinced they’re wrong that you aren’t even willing to listen to her side. It implicitly says it is your way or the highway.

Bonus
If you want to be an extra-skilled communicator, append your statements with an interrogative. For instance, when you say “I don’t see any reason for you to feel that way,” say instead “I don’t see any reason for you to feel that way. Why do you?” This will communicate humility and a willingness to learn from your partner, both of which are guaranteed to make her feel respected and loved.

Own your feelings

When you’re arguing with your partner, make sure that you’re communicating your feelings in a way that makes you responsible for them. Avoid statements like:

• “You’re pissing me off!”
• “You’re disrespecting me!”
• “You’re judging me!”

Instead, make statements like:

• “I’m beginning to get frustrated.”
• “I feel disrespected.”
• “I feel judged by you.”

Why This Works
When we say “You’re pissing me off,” we’re making our partner responsible for our feelings. We’re saying that if our partner behaved differently (behaved better), then we wouldn’t be feeling these negative feelings. Essentially, we’re saying our negative feelings are their fault.

But they are not. Roughly speaking, emotions are the result of this subconscious process:

Input (partner’s words) -> Filter (our mental attitude) -> Output (our emotions)

Our Filter, our mental attitude, is affected by a lot of different things. It’s affected by our mood that day, how well we’ve taken care of our bodies, how many things have annoyed or upset us that day, our opinions about the world, our opinions about our partner, and past experiences we’ve had both positive and negative. Every time our partner speaks to us we run their words through this filer, performing complex psychological calculus. The emotions that result have very little to do with what our partner says and a great deal more to do with how we deal with it.

Our mental attitude does the majority of the work in the process of creating emotions. What your partner says is merely the raw material for your mental processes. Therefore, when your partner says something that upsets you, your upsetness says far more about you than it does the other person.

When you express your emotions with personal ownership, you’re acknowledging this reality. You’re communicating to your partner that you are an adult who understands they are responsible for the way they feel, not a little child who blames his feelings on others.

The Underlying Principles

What ties all these communication principles together is that they communicate to your partner that you respect them.

1. When you ask your partner if you heard them correctly, you’re acknowledging that their reality is worth working to understand.
2. When you avoid insulting your partner, you’re acknowledging that your partner is worth admiration.
3. When you use qualifying statements, you’re acknowledging that sometimes your partner is right when you are wrong.
4. When you own your feelings, you’re acknowledging that your partner can’t control your feelings, and therefore, unpleasant feelings on your part do not necessarily mean she’s done anything wrong.

Here’s An Example

Here’s an example of an argument between a couple where both people do not follow those rules of communication:

Husband: “Do you want to try a new video game tonight?”
Wife: “No, I’m not in the mood for a new game tonight.”
Husband: “What? I’m just asking you to try a new video game. It’s no big deal.”
Wife: “And all I’m saying is I’m not in the mood tonight! Why are you forcing me to do something I don’t want to do?!”
Husband: “I’m not forcing you! I’m just saying there’s no reason not to try it!”
Wife: “There is too a reason, if you’d bothered to ask!”

Within 5 sentences, this interaction has escalated to a fight.*

If this couple had used these rules of communication, though, here’s what that interaction could have looked like:

Husband: “Do you want to try a new video game tonight?”
Wife: “No, I’m not in the mood for a new game tonight.”
Husband: “That dissapoints me. I feel a bit rejected. I was hoping to do something fun with you tonight so we could spend time together. And anyway, why don’t you want to play? It’s just a video game.”
Wife: “I’m sorry, honey. I don’t want to play because it’s getting late and I wanted to go to sleep soon. Why don’t we play tomorrow instead after I get home from work? That way we’ll have much more time.”
Husband: “Deal.” (husband smiles; couple goes to bed happy).

In both scenarios, the husband’s feelings were hurt. He wanted to spend quality time with his wife, and she refused, leading him to feel rejected. And, in both scenarios, he didn’t understand why she would refuse; after all, who wouldn’t want to play a fun new video game?

In the first scenario, he dealt with his hurt feelings by denying they existed. He didn’t understand why his wife refused, so instead of seeking to understand why, he simply assumed she must not have a good reason. After he arrogantly assumed this, he attempted to emotionally guilt her into playing.

In the second, however, he admitted that he cared so much about the video game because having his invitation declined hurt his feelings. After revealing his hurt feelings, he acknowledged his wife’s reality by asking her why she didn’t want to play. Her answer both healed his hurt feelings and promised even more fun video games later.

Obviously, not everything there is to be said about couples' communication can be summed up in such a short article. You will still have fights, even if you both argue in good faith. But if you argue in good faith using these communication tactics, your relationship will not be damaged in the process.

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Footnotes
1: Fighting over something like a board game may seem stupid, but as anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship knows, the biggest fights often break out over the smallest things.